Freedom of Peach — Lockdown Sex

Are pandemic hook-ups irresponsible? Or can people put it about as they please?

With his peroxide shock and plummy twaddle, Boris Johnson would put even the randiest horndog off sex at the best of times — quite frankly, I have no clue how Carrie Symonds does it.

But in the Covid era, our fearless leader has literally made it illegal for UK residents to find the juicy peach to their throbbing aubergine, or vice versa — unless, of course, these real-life emojis exist within a sanctioned support bubble.

Outlawing lockdown sex between people not in an “established relationship” (as Johnson and his spads put it) is probably a wise decision, especially with this new, more transmissible strain doing the rounds across the country. And the rule is doubtless painting wide smiles on faces over at the HQ of Kleenex, Pornhub, and Lovehoney.

Even so, the restriction on nookie has sadly left the law-abiding and sexually liberated among us decidedly frustrated. At the end of the day, although the Terrence Higgins Trust boldly claims “you are your best sex partner” at the moment, a tumble for one is never as fun. But these singletons are troopers, and take one for the team they shall!

So they can put it about all over the show, others gladly risk fines of £200 and upwards and a criminal record — not to mention a hideous mugshot that won’t go anywhere fast.

Perhaps they’re sick of unfulfilling dates with Pam and her five friends, consequently unable (or downright unwilling) to keep their aching libidos at bay. Or perhaps they’re just bloody lonely and desperate for a human connection of any sort — we’ve all been there at some point in our lives, only without the same price to pay.

Who knows what motivates this cohort, but I’d guess most take few or no precautions against coronavirus — uncovered faces, unwashed hands, and unrestrained tongues ahoy! And with kissing, touching, oral, and face-to-face positions in the horny mix, the risk of spreading or catching the virus definitely increases.

Some of these untameable shag-addicts take it all a tad more seriously. I know this because I’m no stranger to the wares of Pornhub and its competitors, and if my late-night browsing tells me one thing, it’s that at least a few of the amateur adult entertainers taping and posting their sexual adventures are donning masks and opting for doggy-style. All those puppies and gimps can finally put their kinky training to good use!

Still, their minor safeguards don’t allow for completely safe sex during a pandemic. Sure, there may be no evidence that humans can transmit Covid though penetrative sex — either anal or vaginal. But just like kissing and touching, close contact with another person does increase the likelihood of spreading or catching the virus.

So, what do you think to people engaging in casual hook-ups right now? Is this thirsty bunch selfish and reckless? Should they follow advice and stick to furious masturbation, porn, and phone sex? (Or even “dogging for one in the garden,” as one sex expert recommends).

Or should we leave the randy wee rabbits to get their rocks off as they wish? You could say they’re simply exercising the right to “freedom of peach,” as conferred upon them by the HRA — that is, the Ho Rights Act 1969, not the Human Rights Act 1998. It goes without saying this isn’t real legislation, but I bet some of you now wish your MP had a suggestion box!

London-based freelance journo (mainly film & TV), content writer & editor, ghostwriter, and blogger. Also currently studying to be a UX writer.

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